i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
