omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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