oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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