They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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