the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
