She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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