Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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