I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize