chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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