What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
