im about as happy as oj after his trial
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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