Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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