i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
