Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I looked at my own cervix.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
