I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
