Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
