It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
