When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
