I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize