You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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