mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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