i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
