Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
