i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
foreskin is a definite game changer
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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