I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
