Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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