One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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