i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I am spending my child support on dildos
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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