this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize