i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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