When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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