why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
so much tequila, so little girl.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
