someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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