Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
