life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
it's like iHOP with fire
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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