dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
