On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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