You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
This girl is more easily done than said...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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