I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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