3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
