I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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