Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
