I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
