im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
