dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
