Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
