ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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