So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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