got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
