It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
