I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This is the high leading the old right now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
