Please, let me fuck your mom
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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