my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
