not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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