Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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