Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
