I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
