No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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