My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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