I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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