I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i think my cat just said my name.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
