dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
