Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sponge bath it is.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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