So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
