Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
