i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
